I choose.

Everyday we come across many crossroads--some trivial, some life-changing. We make choices both unconsciously as well as consciously, every single moment of our lives. And for everything that is chosen, something else is forsaken/ given up. Choices lead you through all sorts of roads and paths. For example, I'm choosing to write this blog now, at this very moment. What I'm choosing is to forgo that bit of sleep for the sake of the peace that comes from writing this blog. Sleep is good but getting something off my chest will probably ensure that I sleep better.

So these are my choices.

I choose...

To pray. For I believe that prayer is communication with God. I believe also that God wants to be involved in every single part of my life, even the mucky parts like when my bowels aren't moving or the bus is late. I believe that prayer activates God not because He is some sort of supernatural machine. Indeed if He was nothing more than a supernatural vending machine then God would not be God. He is there at all times and many times, He's known what it is we need and has started to put into place things that will happen when we pray to increase our faith.

To believe in God's love. I believe that God who made us loves us. That many times the suffering and the misery we come across is the result of man's folly. Yet why then does He allow us to suffer and to go through the many trials and heartaches that we seem to face almost at every turn in our lives? Because through the suffering, we have choices. Through the suffering, we know ourselves and others better. Through the suffering, we grow. And most of all, suffering highlights to us what is most important to us. Last but not least, suffering allows us to experience the grace of God and our fellowmen. For example, if I had not had that really horrible cough last year which almost killed me, and if I had not had so little that I was wondering if I could actually pay for the doctor, I would not have been able to appreciate how fragile life is and that each moment living is but grace from God. I would not have learnt truly that this time we have here is NOT mine. I do not control time. I would not have experienced the grace of the doctor who told me, if you don't have money, you can always pay me another time. It is more important that you recover.

To love. When is it hardest to love? It is not hard to love cute adorable babies, friends and those who love you. Why? Because most people do love beautiful things and we are essentially self-centered. However, it is remarkably difficult to love someone who is always antagonistic to you. Who berates you and insists that you are wrong even when you are right. Who hits you for no reason. Who tests your patience. Who is demented. That is when it is most difficult to love. But then, that is when love is most beautiful, most precious. Because it costs the most and it takes the most energy. You know, when you first start to love these people who do not deserve to love, it is so hard to do it. There is basically no motivation and absolutely no reward. Indeed, at times, your reward is a blow to the face or cutting words. However, if you continue to love without requiring anything in return, miracles happen. Firstly, did you know it makes your soul beautiful? And this beauty shines through. This is what makes the people we love automatically, lovable. Secondly, it changes the other and he or she through you, will grow to become beautiful too. This is a precious gift we bestow on both ourselves as well as others. A love that mirrors that same great love that moved Him to die for us.

To trust. It is hardest to trust a person just after he has betrayed you. Make no mistake, sometimes, a person will betray you many times and some others for eternity. However, I choose to trust God. God who has put this person in my life. God is worthy of my trust and faith. Trust is a medicine for a breached relationship. It allows things to mend without further aggravating or picking at the wound. It grants the person who is being trusted motivation to honour that trust and strength to resist temptation. That is a power that few of us realise and many of us take for granted and few who are willing to give after an incident.

To give of my time. The most precious thing you can give besides all of the above is your time. Firstly, because we take for granted something that can never be reused. Everything else can be bought, from precious baubles to health. However, time alone is something that can never ever be regained once it is used. We don't think much of it because it is just there. But how much of it is left? Do we ever think about that? We take it for granted that we have 70 years or 80 years and we squander all that time away in pursuit of wealth and prestige and fun and laughter and "happiness". But no one stops to ask, do we really have all that time? If time is money, as some say, then where's the accounting? Even small businesses need to keep accounts. And some of us keep personal accounts of our money. So where and when does our accounting of time take place? Even if we do not believe that there is accounting involved, what makes us think that tomorrow we will still have time? Who knows if we will still be alive the next day or the next hour or even the next minute? Think, if today was your very last day alive. What would you be doing? Would you still be working hard at that job? Would you still be angry at your loved one for some petty thing he said today? I don't think so.

Perhaps only the ones who know they don't have much time left are best stewards of that time, though not necessarily so. I have to admit this, I live as if there's a million years left. I still splurge and shop and go out and talk and do everything else that I seem to do. But recently, as one gets older, I can't help but regret the way I've been spending all this time. I regret the various mistakes although not too much, since I did learn things from almost every mistake I've made. I regret spending so little time with the family. I feel that it is in such a state now because I did not play the part that I was supposed to play.

but enough of that.

The last thing I choose is to wait. Waiting is one of the hardest things to do, especially for me. I like to get things over and done with--quickly. Waiting is just not in my character. But now, I choose to wait. To wait for God to show what He has been doing. That is what I choose to wait for. Because at the end of it all, I know He knows what is best for me. He loves with such love that could only be expressed in the things He;s done. That's why I choose to wait, to trust, to love. Because He waited for me, He trusted me and He loves me.